In late 2019 I put in for a 2-week vacation, I planned to spend it with my gf for her birthday and our anniversary. By the time it rolled around Covid-19 was in full swing and I spent those two weeks playing Red Dead Redemption 2, it was a pretty cool game and I definitely wouldn't have had time to play it otherwise. Also thanks Xbox Game Pass for letting me play it for free, that kicked ass.

Anyways, this isn't a review of a coof-land vacation in 2020, this is about a coof-land 'vacation' in 2021!

For the first time in my 27 year-old life I flew on an airplane to Texas, it was for a surprise birthday party that was foiled due to the weather. After waking up early I loaded up and headed to the airport, getting through TSA wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, it's been terribly over-hyped as a dreadful experience. Skipping ahead, I finally boarded the plane with my gf and soon we were on our way to the last untamed frontier in America; popping ears and cramped seats couldn't take away from the fact that flying rules and being anxious about the flight was foolish after all. A few hours later we landed in the land of cowboys and took an Uber to our next stop, we met up with my gf's sister, she drove us to our hotel and I must say: nothing made me feel more American than seeing a gun range right next to our hotel; that feeling only intensified when we noticed the Walmart and Cracker Barrel immediately behind the building the next morning.

The next day was our anniversary, being fresh-eyed to Texas we were taken to a big ass two-floor mall and went shopping for sweet new duds. You may say 'two-floors? That's not that big, what are you, a small-town hillbilly?' And to that I say MAYBE SHUT UP. A few hours later my gf and I arrive at PF Chang's, we ordered fried calamari and it was delicious, like most fried food. I ordered spicy ramen and it was as tasty as it was salty, it was a good evening out. (Hmm, I wonder if that salt thing comes back later...)

Day 3 in rooty-tooty land was the surprise birthday party, we woke up early to do some quick shopping for imported Japanese-text Attack on Titan manga volumes and other weeb items. We also grabbed 'bento boxes' for lunch which were pretty dang good. Fast forward several hours (and a quick nap) later and we're on the way to celebrate the birthday, play golf, and drink liquor; I power though a headache that decided to plague me after the aforementioned nap. We returned to the hotel as night falls and ordered wings for delivery, as we waited for our meal to arrive TRAGEDY STRUCK.

Turns out I definitely wasn't drinking enough water since arriving to Texas and my splitting headache was the first sign I was in for a bad time. I never knew what heat exhaustion felt like or how awful it was until I was hurling out my organs into the hotel room toilet, the worst part of getting stomped out by the sun was I didn't get a chance to eat those sweet ass wings. My gf watched over me as I laid in the bed with a cold wash cloth over my forehead, ensuring I was drinking water to rehydrate and resting. I couldn't blame her for eating some of the wings, they smelled delicious.

The following morning I felt great, albeit hungry and sore of throat from throwing up everything I ate and drank the day before; after smashing on the now cold wings we prepared for the day. Our next activity was at a pool/water park/ whatever-it- is-I-don't-know-get-off-my-case; it had a lazy river attraction, a big ol' water slide and a swim-up pool bar. Yeah I had a drink, yeah I got sun burned because I didn't put on enough sunscreen, but what DIDN'T happen was the sun cooking my guts out again. I was packin' plenty of water, the sun can't win in a fair fist fight that's why it stays in the sky and beams rays onto us. Truly a coward if you think about it.

Anyways, later that night we went to a giant arcade with laser tag, cart racing and various VR experiences. We just played the floor games because I wasn't about to sign a waiver in the case my bones got all crunched up from a radical carting incident; there was a Halo light-gun game and that was cool enough for me, it was like I was actually John Halo himself no less. Some drunk guy was belting the toy bowling ball so hard he broke the machine, that ruled. My gf got the 1,000 ticket reward on the Willie Crash game, she's a true alpha gamer if I ever saw one. There is also a Space Invaders light-gun game that will absolutely melt your eyes out of their sockets if you do too good just to make you lose, I still can't believe there wasn't an epilepsy warning on it.

Our final day was quiet and relaxed as we waited for our departure time to near, the flight home was later in the evening so seeing cities lighting the ground below was cool. I watched episode one of the Adult Swim show Primal, it rocked and I have to watch the rest of it at some point.

All I'm trying to say is: my trip kicked ass, and Texas is too dang big to see in just 4 days.

-- YEE-HAW ZONE --

• Golf Points: 18
• Manga Bought: 03
• Meals Ejected: 02
• Wings Ate: 04
• Highway Merges Missed: 03
• Arcade Jackpot Earned: 416
• Aliments: 02
• Cowboys Seen: 00

RANK: SSS